Liverpool Lou (nacy)

The McDonald's Happy Meal could become a thing of the past in Liverpool, England. The city council is planning to outlaw the meals on the grounds that they are damaging the heath of children, particularly as they offer free toys in order to encourage parents to buy junk food for their children.

Council’s Childhood Obesity Scrutiny Group is proposing a by-law that would forbid the sale of fast food accompanied by toys. Councilors say the promotional items are used to boost sales through something they call "Pester Power" - children pestering parents for Happy Meal toys. Liverpool Council claims they are contributing to the epidemic of childhood obesity.

For the full story, see my other blog, Stand FAST

I won! I won! (The last word)

I really didn’t intend to have a Part 3 to this post, but I just got another Email from my friends at Poetry.com and the International Society of Poets. I guess they didn’t get my Email explaining that I don’t really intend to let them publish my poem.

Actually, I got two Emails, one apologizing for being unable to process my application for membership in the International Society of Poets because their server was down. Maybe I should tell them that I never returned their application, so it didn’t matter a rats ass if their server was down or not.

The other was a “suggestion” that I invite family and friends to visit Poetry.com and review my poem. They obviously didn’t think a poet of my artistic vision was capable of composing my own Email, so they took the liberty of writing one for me. Just fill in the Email addresses of the family and friends I want to send it to and click the little button. The Email appears below.

Dear Family and Friends,
I am in the middle of a great online poetry competition. I have the chance to win some great prizes, including an iPod. I really want to win, and all I need are votes from my family and friends. You simply need to click on a link, read my poem, and rate it. If I get enough votes, I win, it’s that easy! Please use the link below to vote for my poem, “States of Being.” Please forward this to anyone else you know that could help me out. You can also use the link below on your Facebook or MySpace page to help me receive even more votes. This is a great way to help me share my poetry with the world!
Thanks very much for your vote. I will keep you posted if I win. Wish me luck!
Best regards, Matt Todd

You will note that the link does not appear in this post. Just in case anyone amongst my family or friends might be tempted by the nonsense these people are sending out. And the Email now resides in the isolation room of my virus protection application; can’t be too careful with this stuff.

Apparently there’s a few more individuals out there who have decided to have a little fun with Poetry.com. Somewhere out there in cyber space, is a guy named David Taub, a real life poet, who writes: failure is impossible at poetry.com, the website where every poem is a semifinalist. This guy tried, unsuccessfully, to get a rejection slip from the company. I reprint one of his submissions under the “fair use” provisions of Canada’s copyright laws. It was submitted under the name “Wadda Ass Iyam” and the poem is entitled “Yer Gotta Larf”.

Yew gotta larf at any moreon
who could write, "your poem was selected
for publication, and as a contest semi-finalist, on the basis of your unique talent
and artistic vision."
when we all know this is about as artistic
as vomitting on the neigbour's porch.
Burp... huey... excuse me while I be artistic on your cat. so much for
the vision . . . I never saw your cat.
Now let's get down to the real truth.
You hope I am fooled into parting with
my cash to see this in your anthology.
Wot if NO-ONE bought your books, mugs
plaques, keyrings? (have you thought of musical toilet-roll holders?)
I look forward to receiving your standard letter telling me how artistic this drivel is. If nothing else, I get a free envelope
which I can recycle.

Uh-huh, you guessed it; the damn thing won the “Editor’s Choice” award and was selected as a semi-finalist.

But, for every guy like David Taub or myself, looking to have some fun with this silliness, there are thousands of people out there getting hurt, emotionally and financially by this bunch of rip off artists. They prey on the dreams, vanity and gullibility of would be poets by using flattery and by dangling the (faint) hope of winning cash and/or prizes.

Poetry.com is also known by the following names: International Library of Poetry, National Library of Poetry, Watermark Press and the International Society of Poets. They also run a sister site for “photographers”, along with a photography contest. The site is called picture.com.

Stay away from these assholes. They’re a joke, even if they can’t recognize one.

I won! I won! (Part 2)

I just got another e-mail from the International Society of Poets. They want to publish my poem, based on “my unique talent and vision”. They believe “it will add to the importance and appeal” of their book. Someone call an ambulance; I think I’m about to faint from the excitement. Or puke. Or something. Here’s what they had to say:

“Recently, we informed you by mail and by email that our editors have certified your poem "States of Being" as a semi-finalist in our International Open Poetry Contest.”

“As I also mentioned in my letter, and in celebration of the unique talent that you have displayed, we wish to publish your poem in what promises to be one of the most highly sought-after collections of poetry we have ever published. Immortal Verses will be a classic, coffee-table quality hardbound volume printed on fine-milled paper specifically selected to last for generations. It will make a handsome addition to any library, a treasured family keepsake, and a highly-valued personal gift. And best of all, this magnificent volume will showcase the poetry of Matt Todd on an entire page itself!”

“Before going any further, Matt, let me make one thing clear . . . your poem was selected for publication based on your unique talent and artistic vision. We believe it will add to the importance and appeal of this edition.”

Uh-huh. And, I assume I’ll get a complimentary copy of this book, since my poem is going to be published in it. Uh-huh. I see, I only have to pay the discounted price of $49.95 plus shipping and handling. And, if I want to have a brief autobiography printed on an adjacent page, they’ll only charge me a nominal fee of $25.00.

Let’s see, that’s $75.00 plus $14.00 shipping and handling for a wall plaque and membership in the Society, $50.00 plus $8.00 shipping and handling for the book and another $25.00 to publish a brief autobiography. That’s $147.00 for the whole thing. But, they’ll also provide laminated cards with my poem on them (for a slight fee of course) so I can distribute them to friends and family who may object to paying $49.95 for a copy of the book. And, I can also get my poem printed on coffee mugs, tot bags, sweats, calendars, etc., etc.

That sounds like a fair sized investment, but still, given my “unique talent and artistic vision” I may have a shot at that grand prize of $10,000.00. OK, what do I have to do?

“Regarding the publication of your poetry, if you have not already returned your proof with your approval to publish, you must now proofread your poem, which appears on your Artist's Proof. Please carefully review your poem for typographical errors and make any necessary changes.”

OK, let’s have a look at the Artist’s Proof. Hey, wait a minute. Why is my poem full of asterisks? What the hell is h***? Are they telling me a man with my unique talent and artistic vision can’t say “hell” in their damn book? And just what in the devil have they got against the de***? Why are they branding my “work of art” with asterisks? Are these guys related to the dumb ass who branded baseballs Barry Bonds balls with an asterisk? It’s time these people got a piece of my mind.

Dear Howard,
As a man of unique talent and vision, I must take exception to your interference with the artistic integrity of my work. A true artist such as myself cannot, will not, have his art compromised on the whim of a censor who obviously doesn’t recognize a masterpiece of modern literature when he sees one. Your censorship of “States of Being” is inexcusable and I will not tolerate such behaviour from those of lesser genius than myself. Therefore, I will not permit my work to be butchered on the pages of any book you publish.
Respectfully,
Matt

That should give those scam artists something to think about. Sometimes the internet can be so much fun!

To read more on the Society of Poets rip off, visit:
ripoffreport.com

I won! I won! Oh, shit.

A couple of weeks back I was looking for a site to host the MP3 files I planned to make available for readers to listen to and/or download. I found a great file storage site, called FileDen and also a free MP3 player widget from MyFlashFetish. All free.

However, to get to the free stuff, you had to wade through several pages of ads for any number of “fantastic offers”. I read most of them briefly, then clicked on the “No Thanks” button. Except for one; an amateur poetry contest offering a $10,000.00 first prize. Their material claims they are the world’s largest poet’s society and they have had poems submitted by such notables as Bill Clinton and Johnny Cash.

Johnny Cash? My hero! So I wrote a poem and sent it right off to them. Just for fun. It was not a good poem.

It's two weeks later and a few days ago I received an e-mail telling me I was awarded an “Editor’s Choice” award for my submission. Wow. Kinda makes your chest puff out and your head swell. Here’s what they had to say:

Dear Matt,
“Not long ago, our Editors reviewed the thousands of submissions entered in our International Open Amateur Poetry Contest, and they awarded your poem the prestigious Editor's Choice Award. This is an honor awarded to only 12% of the submissions we receive. Now that the first round of the judging process is complete, your poem will enter the next level of judging, becoming eligible for the $10,000 Annual Grand Prize that will be awarded in January 2008. We wish you the best of luck with this next phase of the contest.”

That’s enough praise to send a vain old man riding off on cloud nine . . . until he remembers that riding clouds can be a very dangerous (and expensive) business. Read on:

“Since we announced the names of the winners, many recipients have contacted me and requested a way to display their achievement; therefore, I put our artists and designers to work. We were able to create our most exquisite and distinguished wall plaque ever. This year, we are offering this limited edition wall plaque commemorating your achievement as an Editor's Choice Award recipient. Each certificate is numbered, signed, and mounted on a solid maple plaque. This beautiful display piece truly honors your accomplishment!”

“As an Editor's Choice Award winner, we're sure you'll want to improve your craft and further your involvement in poetry. There's no better way to do that than by joining the International Society of Poets (ISP), the largest poetry organization in the world. As a member of the ISP, you'll receive a quarterly magazine filled with articles, contests, and lots of poetry. In addition, you will be part of an organization that promotes PEACE—Poetry, Education, Accomplishment, Charity, and Equality. Please join the thousands of members who have submitted poetry, including Archbishop Desmond Tutu, former U.S. President Bill Clinton, and the late "Man in Black, Johnny Cash.”

And just how much will it cost me to walk in the shoes of the Man in Black. Uh-huh. I can have both the plaque and membership in the ISP for a mere $75.00 (plus $14.00 for shipping and handling). But, before I hand over the cash, maybe I should take a closer look at the International Society of Poets.

Their website, poetry.com, is actually a very large site with a very large (they claim 6 million entries) database of poets and poetry. Now, let’s see, Johnny Cash. Yes, there he is and he has several poems under his name. Would you like to read one? First, I’d better take care of the legal stuff. Don’t want to get my ass sued for copyright infringement. This poem is reprinted here under the “fair use” provisions of Canada’s copyright legislation, which allows copyright material to be reprinted for educational purposes and critical review.

Tourmented
By Johnny Cash

this was inpired by somebody
that i hope one day would become my wife.
She tought me that the secrets of life
were defined by the jagged edge of a
knife cutting my arm in the middle
of a slaughty night.
as the blood spills it's a thick blue water
that leave quite a soul that was fright.
It's freedom night flying high just like
some dirty old dust going out of sight.
we all love to make a killing upgrading
our own earning because life is all
about learning where nobody could do
for us the teaching i guess it's
the carrying that make us waiting
for the wisdom of an higher calling.

Are they kidding me? OK, so Cash went through some very rough times back in the sixties, with the booze and the drugs. But, was there really a time in his life when he got that strung out. I didn’t even bother to look for Bill Clinton's submissions.

To be continued . . .