I just got another e-mail from the International Society of Poets. They want to publish my poem, based on “my unique talent and vision”. They believe “it will add to the importance and appeal” of their book. Someone call an ambulance; I think I’m about to faint from the excitement. Or puke. Or something. Here’s what they had to say:“Recently, we informed you by mail and by email that our editors have certified your poem "States of Being" as a semi-finalist in our International Open Poetry Contest.”
“As I also mentioned in my letter, and in celebration of the unique talent that you have displayed, we wish to publish your poem in what promises to be one of the most highly sought-after collections of poetry we have ever published. Immortal Verses will be a classic, coffee-table quality hardbound volume printed on fine-milled paper specifically selected to last for generations. It will make a handsome addition to any library, a treasured family keepsake, and a highly-valued personal gift. And best of all, this magnificent volume will showcase the poetry of Matt Todd on an entire page itself!”
“Before going any further, Matt, let me make one thing clear . . . your poem was selected for publication based on your unique talent and artistic vision. We believe it will add to the importance and appeal of this edition.”
Uh-huh. And, I assume I’ll get a complimentary copy of this book, since my poem is going to be published in it. Uh-huh. I see, I only have to pay the discounted price of $49.95 plus shipping and handling. And, if I want to have a brief autobiography printed on an adjacent page, they’ll only charge me a nominal fee of $25.00.
Let’s see, that’s $75.00 plus $14.00 shipping and handling for a wall plaque and membership in the Society, $50.00 plus $8.00 shipping and handling for the book and another $25.00 to publish a brief autobiography. That’s $147.00 for the whole thing. But, they’ll also provide laminated cards with my poem on them (for a slight fee of course) so I can distribute them to friends and family who may object to paying $49.95 for a copy of the book. And, I can also get my poem printed on coffee mugs, tot bags, sweats, calendars, etc., etc.
That sounds like a fair sized investment, but still, given my “unique talent and artistic vision” I may have a shot at that grand prize of $10,000.00. OK, what do I have to do?
“Regarding the publication of your poetry, if you have not already returned your proof with your approval to publish, you must now proofread your poem, which appears on your Artist's Proof. Please carefully review your poem for typographical errors and make any necessary changes.”
OK, let’s have a look at the Artist’s Proof. Hey, wait a minute. Why is my poem full of asterisks? What the hell is h***? Are they telling me a man with my unique talent and artistic vision can’t say “hell” in their damn book? And just what in the devil have they got against the de***? Why are they branding my “work of art” with asterisks? Are these guys related to the dumb ass who branded baseballs Barry Bonds balls with an asterisk? It’s time these people got a piece of my mind.
Dear Howard,
As a man of unique talent and vision, I must take exception to your interference with the artistic integrity of my work. A true artist such as myself cannot, will not, have his art compromised on the whim of a censor who obviously doesn’t recognize a masterpiece of modern literature when he sees one. Your censorship of “States of Being” is inexcusable and I will not tolerate such behaviour from those of lesser genius than myself. Therefore, I will not permit my work to be butchered on the pages of any book you publish.
Respectfully,
Matt
That should give those scam artists something to think about. Sometimes the internet can be so much fun!
To read more on the Society of Poets rip off, visit:
ripoffreport.com
No comments:
Post a Comment